I'm a New Creation
Several days ago I was tagged by a dear friend on Facebook to share my testimony. I know that my reader audience here is broad and some may not understand that terminology. Because of the depth of this post, I want to make sure I'm clear to all. The request was actually to share my story about the day I was saved. I don't think I can clearly share this without sharing the entire picture. I think if you'll read on, many of the words spoken above will begin to make more sense. I know that what I say may be controversial to some & that's ok. This is my life and this is my story.
I've felt many times that this blog might be an avenue to share my heart, and I have. I'd also thought that if The Lord allowed, I'd share my story here. As I began blogging, just as a little hobby, it was a nice avenue to just jot my thoughts and feelings, share ideas about things I love or even challenges in my life. Over the course of many months I could see the broad span of my audience growing, literally all over the world. My dashboard gives me a general idea of countries that visit & read my blog. As I saw the amount of people that were reading each month and from the many locations around the world I'd began praying about how The Lord might continue to use me, my life and even my story for His glory. I'm humbled to see that literally thousands each month stop by to see what I have to say. I've stepped back for several weeks now, really overwhelmed by the following but very humbled. To you who continually come, Thank You! Thank you for riding along with me on this journey of life.
Ok, I don't want to delay any longer...
I was raised going to church every Sunday. For the most part it was my Mom, my younger brother & myself. My Dad visited occasionally with us on holidays but most often, he didn't attend church with us. I have some sweet childhood memories and then some that I'd rather forget. As a young girl my parents both worked in a job that took them outside the home in the evening hours. A family member lived with us for a time and stayed with us; my brother and myself, as our parents worked. I was about 7 and my brother was 5. It was during these evenings that a neighbor visited my relative. This neighbor was a teenage boy, about 19 or so. On those visits to my home, during the evening, it was then that he robbed me of my innocence. I can't tell you how many times he visited me or even how long the span of time was that he came but what I can tell you is that it radically changed my life. As a very young girl, the course of my life was forever changed. It was as though someone stitched a big tattoo across my forehead. I was convinced that everyone who looked at me might be considering me broken, damaged goods. I was scarred, flawed. I was defeated; so I thought. These visits that haunted me for many, many years of my life weren't mentioned to my parents until I was about 20 years old. The threats I received from the one who stole my innocence were to me greater than the love or protection my parents could offer. As an adult and Mother now, I think about the position I have in my children's lives. I think about moving heaven and earth if needed for them. Looking back, I know my parents could have helped me but the scared little girl believed the threats of a sick young man.
The feelings of being flawed or damaged were carried with me through a great portion of my adult life. I felt that everyone who looked at me may see my flaws, may even consider me damaged goods. Because of my insecurity I made a lot of bad choices because I just didn't feel worthy. I went through a great portion of life feeling like I had this gaping hole inside of me and that something was missing. I thought there must be something to make me feel better; about myself and my life. I spent a lot of time trying to feel better, trying to fill in the hole that seemed to always remind me that I just wasn't good enough. I began having sex at 16 and by the grace of God, I never ended up pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a horrible kid. I can justify it by saying that this act as a teenager was only with one boy who I dated all through high school. That's the truth although in my Momma mind at this point, sex outside of marriage is still sex. That's another point for another time, I don't want to get off track here. As crazy as I was about this boy, it didn't fill in the hole and discontentment that seemed to continually haunt me. My consumption of alcohol began early in high school, as did my dabbling in drugs. Again, none of these things made me feel any better or filled the gaping hole that seemed to consume me and my thoughts of insecurity. During this time when my great searching began and my need to feel accepted was heightened, keep in mind, no one knew what I'd been through. This was something I'd carried with me since my early childhood. I'm not sure how others considered me in school. I think I probably looked quite average and had lots of friends, good and bad. Not really bad but more of the wild, partying friends. During my high school years, I was on the Drill Team, the Cheerleading Squad, held lots of elected offices, received honors that my peers voted me into, was on the Homecoming Court...I don't say any of this to be boastful. My point here is that I had what seemed to be a really good life. I looked like a really good kid, normal kid. I was the girl who always smiled, who won titles and honors. I seemed to have it pretty good, from the outside. What everyone didn't know is that I felt as though I was wearing a mask around all the time. I had my happy, smiley face and my peppy personality but underneath it all I was struggling, hurting and looking for something, anything to make me feel better about myself and my life. You see, none of the "things" or honors of life made me feel any better. I was surrounded by people and friends but felt very much alone.
Let me fast forward several years...my sweet baby boy was born when I was 22. He was the product of another bad relationship in my life. I got pregnant and decided to try to make a life with his Dad. That marriage lasted less than 2 years. I won't divulge the sad, mishaps of that relationship but again, the hole was still there. Having this sweet baby boy was the hugest bright spot in my life. I still had my hole but I finally saw some hope when I looked into his sweet, tiny face. This child became my driving force. Because of him, I wanted to be a better person. Because of this sweet little boy, I strived to live better but the hole was still there.
Over the course of the first 5 years of my baby boys life, I dated several guys. I was still seeking acceptance and looking for my place in this world.
In 1994, some friends invited me to a revival at their church. I really didn't know what that meant but they were so persistent. My no's were being dismissed by them so I went, not really knowing what to expect. It was here that The Lord really began to work in my heart, drawing me. I didn't understand what was going on inside of me, why my heart felt like it might beat out of my chest, why my hands were such a sweaty mess. There was something there, something drawing me back, beckoning me to come. I finally began to regularly attend this church, still not understanding what I was feeling or what was happening inside of me. People were talking about feeling peace and I knew that term well and desired it greatly. The yearning for the peace that these people kept talking about is what kept me returning week after week. There were weeks I'd just cry uncontrollably and really didn't understand the feelings I was experiencing.
Bear with me as I bounce around a little to bring this all together.
At the end of 1996, still searching and having gone through a couple big relationship fails that I thought might have actually been "the one", I'd told The Lord that I was done dating. I wasn't going to waste my time any more on broken hearts and wanted to wait on the one that He had for me. I was still at this church that I'd visited in 1994. I was raising my child there and doing my best to live a good life and still searching. I kept hearing about trusting The Lord and for the most part I felt as though I was doing that. I could trust Him to provide for the needs of myself and my little boy, to keep a roof over our heads and to keep us safe but part of me still wanted that control of my love life and the hole was still there. Keeping that small piece of my life was rebellion on my part. In January of 1997, a guy I'd distantly known came to church. I'd never been attracted to him in the past. In fact, I thought he was so nice that I'd actually encouraged friends to go out with him. When he walked into my church that day, something was different. I looked at him and was immediately attracted to him. We began chatting over the phone and had our first date a couple weeks later. Our courtship had begun! Several weeks into this relationship I was in my car, dressed to meet with a client and was on my journey south. The Lord and I began to have quite the conversation on my drive that day. I knew very clearly that He was reminding me about my promise to not date anyone until I'd consulted Him first. I was immediately broken and crying out to Him. When I say crying, this was blubbering, tear stained face, ugly crying. He was right, I had jumped right into this relationship without consulting Him. Through my time of pleading with Him, I'd told Him that I would promptly walk away if I must. That willing heart, completely yielding to His will was just what He'd been waiting for. Laying down the last piece of my life that I was still clinging to, holding it tightly with both hands, I'd finally loosened my grip, hands wide open and willing to do what was necessary for Him to have complete control of my life...That's what He wanted from me all along, ALL of me! On this day, in my car, on the road, crying like a fool and all by myself, I'd never felt so much love or peace. (2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!) Finally, I didn't feel alone any more. Finally, I was free! If you've experienced this grace, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Maybe you're reading along and you can relate to my story. You've been hurt, or betrayed. You've been abused or abandoned. You've made choices that you're ashamed
of. Are you looking for peace? Are you looking for acceptance or wondering where you fit in? Have you ever asked yourself why you're here? I completely understand because I've pondered each and every one of these questions over the course of my life, many times! Maybe you have that gaping hole in your life and you've been working so diligently to find that missing piece; trying to feel complete. Oh dear one, I have the answer! The loving God who displays His handiwork through the creation of this world and all it holds also created YOU! Little did I know that he made us all with that hole! I thought I was defective. Yes, my journey has been different than some but He allowed me to go through it all for this very moment in time. 2 Corinthians 4:17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. In this moment I can tell you that The God of the universe, the Creator of all things loves you and beckons you to come! His arms are wide open and He waits for you! For a very long time I thought that I was just too bad, God couldn't possibly forgive me. John 3:16 says For God so loved the world that He gave his ONLY Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. God, being all knowing sent his son to cover ALL sins. He knew you while you were in your mother's womb (Psalm 139:13), He knew all the wrong you would do, that's why He sent Jesus. Ephesians 1:7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.
In my "new life", my whole life, my life that doesn't involve gaping holes, I am blessed. Is my life perfect? Absolutely not! I still experience heartache and sorrow. I also experience tremendous joy! In my life now, I can look at my past and see how far I've come. I can see how The Lord uses me to share my story to point others to Him. Let me also say, I'm not perfect. I'm certainly not the example for you or anyone else to live by. My example is Christ! He's the only one you should look to and model your life after.
If you've read all of this and you are still searching, asking what now? How do I get this peace? Let me tell you, there are no magic words, there is no magic prayer. You don't need to be in a church. You don't need to be with a preacher. The church and the preacher aren't a bad thing at all, you just don't have to have them to get the peace you're so desperately seeking. This is a matter of communication. It's as simple as speaking to The Lord, just as you speak to a friend. In your brokenness, tell Him how much you need Him. Let Him know that you've made a mess of your life by trying to fix it or by trying to do it by yourself. Sweet friend, He didn't create us to walk through life by ourselves. A relationship with Christ is about surrender, it's not a one time prayer, it's a way of life. In my life I can clearly see it displayed this way; my life before Christ, my surrender, my life now-living for Christ. You see, it's because of Christ that I can share with you and bear my heart. In Christ, I want to encourage you to find a Church where you can attend regularly, study The Bible and be in fellowship with other believers. As I mentioned earlier, 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! My life is now very different than it used to be, I'm changed! I'm a new creation!
Looking back over my life, I can see all of the wonderful people that The Lord placed in my life (and there were many), that He used to to point me to Him. I had some wonderful friends & teachers in my youth; great administrators in school that genuinely cared for me. Many thanks to my sweet friend Donna who pointed me to Christ in a time when I was really searching and hurting as a young single mother. She shared truth with me and lived out her life in a way that pointed me to The Lord. Thank you for challenging me to share my story and thank you for being a big part of it!
As always, please feel free to message me, share you comments or prayer requests. I pray that if you don't yet have the peace I'm speaking of today that you will very soon! Maybe even today! Thank you for taking the time to read this very long post. I pray in some way it's touched you or even challenged you.
I've attached a clip of a song. It's titled "I Am Not the Same Anymore". It beautifully brings all of this together.
To God be the glory!
I've felt many times that this blog might be an avenue to share my heart, and I have. I'd also thought that if The Lord allowed, I'd share my story here. As I began blogging, just as a little hobby, it was a nice avenue to just jot my thoughts and feelings, share ideas about things I love or even challenges in my life. Over the course of many months I could see the broad span of my audience growing, literally all over the world. My dashboard gives me a general idea of countries that visit & read my blog. As I saw the amount of people that were reading each month and from the many locations around the world I'd began praying about how The Lord might continue to use me, my life and even my story for His glory. I'm humbled to see that literally thousands each month stop by to see what I have to say. I've stepped back for several weeks now, really overwhelmed by the following but very humbled. To you who continually come, Thank You! Thank you for riding along with me on this journey of life.
Ok, I don't want to delay any longer...
I was raised going to church every Sunday. For the most part it was my Mom, my younger brother & myself. My Dad visited occasionally with us on holidays but most often, he didn't attend church with us. I have some sweet childhood memories and then some that I'd rather forget. As a young girl my parents both worked in a job that took them outside the home in the evening hours. A family member lived with us for a time and stayed with us; my brother and myself, as our parents worked. I was about 7 and my brother was 5. It was during these evenings that a neighbor visited my relative. This neighbor was a teenage boy, about 19 or so. On those visits to my home, during the evening, it was then that he robbed me of my innocence. I can't tell you how many times he visited me or even how long the span of time was that he came but what I can tell you is that it radically changed my life. As a very young girl, the course of my life was forever changed. It was as though someone stitched a big tattoo across my forehead. I was convinced that everyone who looked at me might be considering me broken, damaged goods. I was scarred, flawed. I was defeated; so I thought. These visits that haunted me for many, many years of my life weren't mentioned to my parents until I was about 20 years old. The threats I received from the one who stole my innocence were to me greater than the love or protection my parents could offer. As an adult and Mother now, I think about the position I have in my children's lives. I think about moving heaven and earth if needed for them. Looking back, I know my parents could have helped me but the scared little girl believed the threats of a sick young man.
The feelings of being flawed or damaged were carried with me through a great portion of my adult life. I felt that everyone who looked at me may see my flaws, may even consider me damaged goods. Because of my insecurity I made a lot of bad choices because I just didn't feel worthy. I went through a great portion of life feeling like I had this gaping hole inside of me and that something was missing. I thought there must be something to make me feel better; about myself and my life. I spent a lot of time trying to feel better, trying to fill in the hole that seemed to always remind me that I just wasn't good enough. I began having sex at 16 and by the grace of God, I never ended up pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a horrible kid. I can justify it by saying that this act as a teenager was only with one boy who I dated all through high school. That's the truth although in my Momma mind at this point, sex outside of marriage is still sex. That's another point for another time, I don't want to get off track here. As crazy as I was about this boy, it didn't fill in the hole and discontentment that seemed to continually haunt me. My consumption of alcohol began early in high school, as did my dabbling in drugs. Again, none of these things made me feel any better or filled the gaping hole that seemed to consume me and my thoughts of insecurity. During this time when my great searching began and my need to feel accepted was heightened, keep in mind, no one knew what I'd been through. This was something I'd carried with me since my early childhood. I'm not sure how others considered me in school. I think I probably looked quite average and had lots of friends, good and bad. Not really bad but more of the wild, partying friends. During my high school years, I was on the Drill Team, the Cheerleading Squad, held lots of elected offices, received honors that my peers voted me into, was on the Homecoming Court...I don't say any of this to be boastful. My point here is that I had what seemed to be a really good life. I looked like a really good kid, normal kid. I was the girl who always smiled, who won titles and honors. I seemed to have it pretty good, from the outside. What everyone didn't know is that I felt as though I was wearing a mask around all the time. I had my happy, smiley face and my peppy personality but underneath it all I was struggling, hurting and looking for something, anything to make me feel better about myself and my life. You see, none of the "things" or honors of life made me feel any better. I was surrounded by people and friends but felt very much alone.
Let me fast forward several years...my sweet baby boy was born when I was 22. He was the product of another bad relationship in my life. I got pregnant and decided to try to make a life with his Dad. That marriage lasted less than 2 years. I won't divulge the sad, mishaps of that relationship but again, the hole was still there. Having this sweet baby boy was the hugest bright spot in my life. I still had my hole but I finally saw some hope when I looked into his sweet, tiny face. This child became my driving force. Because of him, I wanted to be a better person. Because of this sweet little boy, I strived to live better but the hole was still there.
Over the course of the first 5 years of my baby boys life, I dated several guys. I was still seeking acceptance and looking for my place in this world.
In 1994, some friends invited me to a revival at their church. I really didn't know what that meant but they were so persistent. My no's were being dismissed by them so I went, not really knowing what to expect. It was here that The Lord really began to work in my heart, drawing me. I didn't understand what was going on inside of me, why my heart felt like it might beat out of my chest, why my hands were such a sweaty mess. There was something there, something drawing me back, beckoning me to come. I finally began to regularly attend this church, still not understanding what I was feeling or what was happening inside of me. People were talking about feeling peace and I knew that term well and desired it greatly. The yearning for the peace that these people kept talking about is what kept me returning week after week. There were weeks I'd just cry uncontrollably and really didn't understand the feelings I was experiencing.
Bear with me as I bounce around a little to bring this all together.
At the end of 1996, still searching and having gone through a couple big relationship fails that I thought might have actually been "the one", I'd told The Lord that I was done dating. I wasn't going to waste my time any more on broken hearts and wanted to wait on the one that He had for me. I was still at this church that I'd visited in 1994. I was raising my child there and doing my best to live a good life and still searching. I kept hearing about trusting The Lord and for the most part I felt as though I was doing that. I could trust Him to provide for the needs of myself and my little boy, to keep a roof over our heads and to keep us safe but part of me still wanted that control of my love life and the hole was still there. Keeping that small piece of my life was rebellion on my part. In January of 1997, a guy I'd distantly known came to church. I'd never been attracted to him in the past. In fact, I thought he was so nice that I'd actually encouraged friends to go out with him. When he walked into my church that day, something was different. I looked at him and was immediately attracted to him. We began chatting over the phone and had our first date a couple weeks later. Our courtship had begun! Several weeks into this relationship I was in my car, dressed to meet with a client and was on my journey south. The Lord and I began to have quite the conversation on my drive that day. I knew very clearly that He was reminding me about my promise to not date anyone until I'd consulted Him first. I was immediately broken and crying out to Him. When I say crying, this was blubbering, tear stained face, ugly crying. He was right, I had jumped right into this relationship without consulting Him. Through my time of pleading with Him, I'd told Him that I would promptly walk away if I must. That willing heart, completely yielding to His will was just what He'd been waiting for. Laying down the last piece of my life that I was still clinging to, holding it tightly with both hands, I'd finally loosened my grip, hands wide open and willing to do what was necessary for Him to have complete control of my life...That's what He wanted from me all along, ALL of me! On this day, in my car, on the road, crying like a fool and all by myself, I'd never felt so much love or peace. (2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!) Finally, I didn't feel alone any more. Finally, I was free! If you've experienced this grace, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Maybe you're reading along and you can relate to my story. You've been hurt, or betrayed. You've been abused or abandoned. You've made choices that you're ashamed
of. Are you looking for peace? Are you looking for acceptance or wondering where you fit in? Have you ever asked yourself why you're here? I completely understand because I've pondered each and every one of these questions over the course of my life, many times! Maybe you have that gaping hole in your life and you've been working so diligently to find that missing piece; trying to feel complete. Oh dear one, I have the answer! The loving God who displays His handiwork through the creation of this world and all it holds also created YOU! Little did I know that he made us all with that hole! I thought I was defective. Yes, my journey has been different than some but He allowed me to go through it all for this very moment in time. 2 Corinthians 4:17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. In this moment I can tell you that The God of the universe, the Creator of all things loves you and beckons you to come! His arms are wide open and He waits for you! For a very long time I thought that I was just too bad, God couldn't possibly forgive me. John 3:16 says For God so loved the world that He gave his ONLY Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. God, being all knowing sent his son to cover ALL sins. He knew you while you were in your mother's womb (Psalm 139:13), He knew all the wrong you would do, that's why He sent Jesus. Ephesians 1:7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.
In my "new life", my whole life, my life that doesn't involve gaping holes, I am blessed. Is my life perfect? Absolutely not! I still experience heartache and sorrow. I also experience tremendous joy! In my life now, I can look at my past and see how far I've come. I can see how The Lord uses me to share my story to point others to Him. Let me also say, I'm not perfect. I'm certainly not the example for you or anyone else to live by. My example is Christ! He's the only one you should look to and model your life after.
If you've read all of this and you are still searching, asking what now? How do I get this peace? Let me tell you, there are no magic words, there is no magic prayer. You don't need to be in a church. You don't need to be with a preacher. The church and the preacher aren't a bad thing at all, you just don't have to have them to get the peace you're so desperately seeking. This is a matter of communication. It's as simple as speaking to The Lord, just as you speak to a friend. In your brokenness, tell Him how much you need Him. Let Him know that you've made a mess of your life by trying to fix it or by trying to do it by yourself. Sweet friend, He didn't create us to walk through life by ourselves. A relationship with Christ is about surrender, it's not a one time prayer, it's a way of life. In my life I can clearly see it displayed this way; my life before Christ, my surrender, my life now-living for Christ. You see, it's because of Christ that I can share with you and bear my heart. In Christ, I want to encourage you to find a Church where you can attend regularly, study The Bible and be in fellowship with other believers. As I mentioned earlier, 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! My life is now very different than it used to be, I'm changed! I'm a new creation!
Looking back over my life, I can see all of the wonderful people that The Lord placed in my life (and there were many), that He used to to point me to Him. I had some wonderful friends & teachers in my youth; great administrators in school that genuinely cared for me. Many thanks to my sweet friend Donna who pointed me to Christ in a time when I was really searching and hurting as a young single mother. She shared truth with me and lived out her life in a way that pointed me to The Lord. Thank you for challenging me to share my story and thank you for being a big part of it!
As always, please feel free to message me, share you comments or prayer requests. I pray that if you don't yet have the peace I'm speaking of today that you will very soon! Maybe even today! Thank you for taking the time to read this very long post. I pray in some way it's touched you or even challenged you.
I've attached a clip of a song. It's titled "I Am Not the Same Anymore". It beautifully brings all of this together.
To God be the glory!
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